Anyway, that’s quite enough of Gary Neville, Ian Wright and Roy Keane chatting about the footy on ITV. Because Madonna is here, miming her 2000 hit ‘Music’, in a jeep being driven by Ronaldo and Ronaldinho, heading into the MetLife Stadium in the shadows of New York City.
Watched over by our curator, Chris Martin AKA Coldplay, it was all so spectacularly tacky, involving Shakira, BTS, Burna Boy and Justin Bieber tempting us towards sleep with a haunting ballad. Kermit the Frog and Miss Piggy sang something a little more upbeat at least – insert muppet joke about our footballing overlord Gianni Infantino here – but their vibes alone will not have stopped a few million folks at home telling their other halves how the game has gone.
We will give it to FIFA. It was amusing in a what-on-earth, who-is-this-for, why-why-why kind of way. Almost as if the Super Bowl was surreally spewing all over our World Cup final. If only England were involved. We could have trusted our fans to boo this tripe into oblivion at the very least.
Wayne Rooney said it best on the BBC. He described it as ‘crap’, explaining: ‘I thought the best part was when it finished.’ In that moment, Rooney became a man of the match contender. Not many players for Argentina or Spain had performed better by that point, after all.
The FIFA vanity project started long before this half-time show, of course. Those inside the MetLife Stadium could hardly hear the rather random pre-match speech from Tom Cruise because the Argentinian supporters in particular were singing over the American actor’s words. Perhaps it was in protest at him not having parachuted on to the pitch. Could have even borrowed Donald Trump’s Marine One helicopter that he flew in on. Therein lay the first of FIFA’s many mistakes.
This pre-match role for Cruise – along with others such as Robbie Williams in a sparkly blue tracksuit singing the cringey FIFA anthem ‘Desire’ alongside Nicole Scherzinger and Laura Pausini, and Bruce and Michael Buffer announcing the final, and the trophy being delivered in a bespoke Louis Vuitton case – meant that kick-off was delayed. Not to worry. Only the World Cup final.
The World Cup half-time show was quite frankly nauseating and a symbol of FIFA’s vanity
Half-time lasted 27 minutes and 18 seconds, breaking the laws of the game – if only England fans had been there, as they would have booed it
Wayne Rooney described it as ‘crap’ on the BBC and he hit the nail on the head: this was tripe
Infantino, sitting next to Trump, was presumably too busy whispering sweet nothings and begging him to post their picture on Truth Social to notice the time anyhow. Half-time lasted 27 minutes and 18 seconds, too. That is despite the laws of the game telling us the maximum time should be 15 minutes. Again, not to worry. Only the World Cup final.
For the game itself, I watched this final on the BBC rather than ITV. Just my personal preference for Guy Mowbray and Alan Shearer as a commentary duo over Sam Matterface and Lee Dixon, whose input can be as cheerful as Bieber’s.
FIFA issue those journalists attending a ‘VVIPs’ document. The one for this final was 11 pages long. It would be a good drinking game for those at home – take a sip every time the cameras pick out a celebrity. Oh look, there’s Will Ferrell. Oh hey, it’s Matt Damon. Oh nice, Adrien Brody, didn’t even know he liked ‘soccer’.
The only issue is you might be hammered by the first hydration break. But at least it would have helped you get through the nauseating half-time show.
