Barry Hoffner was sitting on his hotel bed about to order room service when he received devastating news – his wife Jackie had been killed in a freak accident in Botswana
A heartbroken husband has spoken about the moment he was told his wife had been killed by an elephant – and how a fateful decision led to her untimely death.
Barry Hoffner and wife Jackie met in college, though they did not fall in love instantly. “Sixteen years after we met, we went to India together as friends, and during those ten days we fell in love at the Taj Mahal. We were together ever since,” Barry, 66, remembers.
Former investment banker Barry has always been adventurous, and while taking a sabbatical from work, he travelled the world with Jackie. They visited China, Kenya and South Africa, before returning to the US to marry in 1997. They moved to Russia, then London, and had their two sons, Benjamin and Daniel, now 28 and 27.
The couple were empty nesters in 2017 when Barry received the news that would turn his world upside down.
“Benjamin had just gone to Georgetown University in DC, and Daniel was taking a gap year in Spain studying Spanish. Jackie was working for a nonprofit focusing on wild animal conservation and had made a lot of contacts in Africa, so she went to Botswana and I was due to meet her in Nairobi later,” says Barry.
He was sitting on his hotel bed en route via Dubai about to order room service when the phone rang.
He heard a voice saying, “This is Barney from Okavango Horse Safaris in Botswana. There has been a terrible accident. Jackie was killed by an elephant.”
It was like a wrecking ball had hit him full force, he says. Even more heartbreakingly, he learned that Jackie had only crossed paths with the elephant because she returned to her tent to get tip money.
“Jackie had been due to leave that day, take a helicopter flight from Okavango, then catch a flight to Nairobi. She had her bags packed. They were having breakfast. She was going on her last horse ride, and she went back to her tent to get a tip for the guide,” says Barry.
“She was walking back on this path to the camp and stumbled, and before you know it, before we knew it, that was it.
“The brain really can’t process that. So you just go into shock. But at the same time I was in a foreign environment, so I had this dual sense of shock but incredible responsibility. I realised that how I would perceive myself for the rest of my life was going to be determined by how I would deal with my kids in that moment.”
He initially thought he would have to go to Botswana, but he realised he couldn’t change what had happened, so he tried to work out how to tell his sons in a way that would cause the least damage.
Barry contacted a rabbi in Georgetown who could be by Benjamin’s side in his dorm as he broke the news over the phone. He then flew to Spain so he could tell his younger son in person. The pair returned to America and Barry began what he calls his “year zero”: life after Jackie.
“I wanted to have the best possible memorial to commemorate her. We had around 700 people there. And then the dust cleared and people were very gracious, but I just wanted to be alone to process it,” he says.
So Barry and Benjamin moved to DC and did their best to come to terms with the terrible news.
“I did meditation, read a lot, and built a pathway to healing,” he explains. “I had stepped out of my life. I really only had responsibility for making Benjamin breakfast in the morning and dinner at night, and then really nothing to do except my own spiritual work.
“After a period of time I just realised I had to take a step back into life in a way, and travelling had always been a big thing in my life, so I took a trip.”
It began with a half marathon in Dushanbe, Tajikistan. He had already visited around 100 countries by that time, and has since visited every nation in the world – except North Korea, which has proven problematic to get into.
“The hardest part of losing Jackie was that I thought the best part of my life was over. I realised I was just here to be a good dad and a good person, and that was it,” he says.
“But that first trip to Tajikistan opened up a little seed of possibility, and that led to one trip after the next.”
He found travel gave him great opportunities for healing. “I really enjoy learning about new cultures and meeting people. It was really just an escape at first. But then it turned into this journey of connection with people almost everywhere I went. I found, not only was I seeing the world differently, but I was seeing people differently,” says Barry.
“I became more interested in them and their stories, as opposed to just landscapes. It really made me feel like part of something really big.”
Barry has also channelled his grief into expanding the charitable work he and Jackie had begun together. Through his foundation, Caravan to Class, which builds and supports schools in rural communities around Timbuktu, he launched the Bourse Jackie Scholarship in her memory.
The programme supports talented women aged 18 to 23 across West Africa through education, leadership training, mentorship and public speaking programmes. Today, the initiative has helped young women secure international scholarships and leadership opportunities, while creating a network designed to empower the next generation of female leaders.
“For me, it’s a way of holding on to her and honouring her, and feeling like these young women are carrying her spirit forward in some way,” he says.
Barry, who lives in Sausalito, California, is now looking forward to visiting North Korea, the final country on his tour of the globe as soon as he can. His sons are doing well and he now has a girlfriend who, coincidently, has the same birthdate as Jackie.
“I’ve had such an incredible journey. I’m still processing the places and the people. Of course I would trade all of that for having Jackie back. On the other hand, I do have a sense of gratitude for being able to move forward in life,” he says.
“I can’t undo what happened to her, but at the same time I feel like there’s still a lot to look forward to in life. And I wasn’t in that place at all when my journey began.”
Barry Hoffner is the author of “Belonging to the World: A Journey from Grief to Connection in Every Country on Earth”.
